Monday, August 24, 2009

Me A Sadist, Hell Yeah!

Some may remember Hannah went on her first date last fall, and then she acquired her first boyfriend from said date. Cameron seemed an okay guy, not exactly what I had in mind for my daughter, but still okay. He got along with everyone, and for some unknown reason that none in my family have been able to explain, he loved my mother, though he admitted that she terrified him at times. He went camping with my parents and helped Bill's parents with construction jobs around their house. Where he lacked a certain appeal in the beginning, in time he grew on us with his socialable nature and comical attitude. We also witnessed transformations in his personality for the better, and he won us over...the lying little shit. Strike that. Cameron is not small; therefore, the lying big shit characterizes him better. I was duped. I gave him a benefit of a doubt, and he ultimately betrayed my trust and faith in him. Hannah was given some freedom and made extremely poor choices, and I chose to remove my daughter from Cameron's harmful lifestyle.

Things about Cameron came to light this summer. Their relationship revolved around an extremely unhealthy situation, and unfortunately, to my sincerest regret the relationship lasted long enough to produce enough venom to cause damage to my and Hannah's relationship. I'm seen as the culprit in their minds, but who wants to be popular when the well being of my child is at stake? In the end, I'm her mother, and I can be a mean bitch when I need to be one, especially when my child needs protection. It wasn't a nice break-up. Am I wrong to enjoy the moment when my mother knocked the shit out of Cameron in her yard? Bill said that it was an amazing hit. My brother had taught my mother to never hit someone when you are standing still, be walking or running, and mother followed through with his teachings. Bill said that he had to look at the ground because of the smile on his face from the sheer satisfaction of the hit. Later, my mother felt upset with herself because while she punched Cameron in the face, Bill had spoken to Cameron about getting his life together and becoming a better person. I still like the hit. From what Bill tells me, my mother has an awesome right hook.

Hannah is only 16 years-old, and she has grand plans of reuniting with Cameron when she is 18 years-old. At that age, I can't stop her from being with him, but I can for the next two years. They are to have no contact of any kind, including through their mutual friends, unless Cameron and his mother want to end up in a very unsavory place. I blame his mother more than I blame Cameron. She raised him to believe that certain things are okay, and they're not. I may feel sorry for him with the road he's currently traveling in life, but my child comes first. That fact is non negotiable. Maybe Cameron can change, but as it stands now, he is not anywhere near worthy for my Hannah. She's always looked to me to fix any hardship in her life, and as her mother, I have readily battled her dragons. She expects me to fix her hurt this time, but I refuse to fix it, at least not with her terms. Hopefully, she'll eventually understand my refusal to bend to her wants concerning Cameron. Until then, I'm dealing with a mood swinging teenager. One minute she is a smiling, laughing, happy-go-lucky girl, and the next she is crying like the world is ending. Far too often it's her world ending. Yet, she has to learn that life goes on and brings happiness again in other forms.

It's a small town in which we live, and I know that Hannah will run into Cameron or his family and friends. In fact, Cameron and Hannah have already run into each other at a gas station, and this past Friday night was New Albany's first home football game of the season. They saw each other there, too. They both know the rules, no talking. The pressure must have gotten to Hannah because she came home during half time. I asked her if they spoke to one another, and she replied instantly, "No, of course not!" Then she went on to tell me that they did smile and look at one another numerous times from their seats. Is this beginning to sound like a bad romance novel or what? So, my thinking is that it's time to bring in reinforcements: Kristen and Susie. They were caught in the Cameron and Hannah conflict this summer. They love Hannah, but they were not blind to the herculean mistakes she was making. After having to suffer and witness Hannah's irrational behavior concerning the unworthy Cameron, they are more than primed for revenge, mainly against Cameron, but it's also difficult to watch someone you love act so stupid. The revenge is not diabolical in nature, but it does lend credibility to my sadistic imagination. Hannah needs an awakening to show her just how irrational she is acting.

Do you remember the 80's soap opera Santa Barbara? If you do, then you probably remember the couple Kelley and Joe. Kelley was the rich girl, and Joe was from the wrong side of the tracks. Kelley's father hated Joe. I can't remember all the details, but someone set Joe up with a crime, which he served jail time for supposedly committing. When the soap opera began, Joe had just been released, and Kelley and Joe were not to be around one another. Yet, they still burned with unrequieted love for one another, and every time that they ran into each other, they would stop and stare into each other's eyes and a particular song would play in the background. The song was If Ever You're In My Arms Again by Peabo Bryson. The song is cheesey enough to cause constipation and became annoying as hell very quickly in the soap. I heard it enough to remember it to this day, and it was the first thing I thought of when Hannah told me of her and Cameron's staring. I've since taught the song to Kristen and Susie and told them to sing it very loudly at the next football game when they catch Hannah and Cameron looking at one another. While eagerly awaiting their impromptu serenade, they have choreographed hand motions to go along with the song. I'm really hoping that I am well enough to attend the next home football game. I would hate to miss the show! I savor the thought of them singing off key at the top of their lungs...

...We had a once in a lifetime...But I just couldn't see, until it was gone...A second once in a lifetime, may be too much to ask...But I swear from now on...

Chorus) If ever you're in my arms again...This time I'll love you much better...If ever you're in my arms again...This time I'll hold you forever...This time will never end...

Sing along! You know you know the words. ;)

Come on. I'm not that cruel of a mother, but I am experiencing tremendous joy and satisfaction over my cleverness. I'll wear my horns gladly. Believe me, I have been tortured lots this summer with Hannah's pining, and I just want my daughter back. Is that so bad? Cease the mourning already. He's not worth the time and tears, or my sanity for that matter. I've allowed her time to grieve in her dramatic, teenage fashion, and I can't stand another long spill of listening to her praise Cameron. I shudder at the thought. Like my Aunt Linda said, "There comes a time in all of our lives where we think an unsuitable guy has a golden asshole, and Hannah is caught by the golden asshole spell." A very wise woman, my Aunt Linda. As we all know, except Hannah, it's not really golden; so, when is it going to turn to green in her eyes?!? How she sees Cameron is an illusion. In reality, Cameron remains a warty old toad with a tarnished ass.

What do you think? Am I a horrible mother? Have you ever had a friend or family member who dated a poisonous person? Did you help in getting rid of the person? Did the friend or family member annoy you with his or her belief in the no account, dirty, rotten snake? Those of you with kids, do you find it as difficult as I do to see one hurt, knowing that you could fix it, but refusing to sacrifice your child to give him or her temporary happiness? I'm praying that she will thank me in the long run.

Friday, December 12, 2008

I Hate Christmas Parades!

by guest blogger, Bill

I hate Christmas parades!

Don’t get me wrong. I love the holidays. The Christmas stuff starts going up the day after Halloween and stays up til after Super Bowl Sunday. It’s just Christmas parades that drive me nuts. Or maybe more like being in the parades.

After a two year unpaid sabbatical from the radio business where I dabbled in sports marketing, studentization (my fancy word for going back to school), substitute teaching, house remodeling, and bumming(the latter of which I was most successful according to my wife), I am back in the radio game. One of my most important responsibilities is to promote the station. Our particular station has a reputation of being heavily involved in the community. That’s a GOOD thing, believe me. I love the fact that the public knows who we are! The more people that listen, the bigger my bonus! A major part of promoting the station during the holidays is going to as many Christmas parades as possible.

Every little bitty Podunk town in North Mississippi has a Christmas parade. Some of these towns do not even have a stop light, but they have a parade. Last time I checked there were 18 Christmas parades in our listening area. That’s a lot of Santas!

A parade in North Mississippi means showing up an hour early, sitting in a parking lot looking at all of the pageant moms primping their freezing daughters AND/OR sons, driving very slowly behind the local high school band or alderman or antique tractor, blast “Merry Christmas from the Family” over and over and over, while waving at people, smiling, and pretending that they actually know who you are. A lot of them are fans of the station, but some just look at us and yell out the name of the competition (what are THESE fruitcakes thinking, that it’s going to hurt my feeling and I will give them a t-shirt?). FUN.

In years past we had four people on the full time staff to help with the parades and my show was so late that I only had to do two or three Saturday parades every year. Now there are only two of us (damn corporate budget cuts), me and my morning show partner, Kelli. She wants us to ride together to help promote our show, SOOOO that means a lot of pretending to be important! Luckily (for me at least) a lot of the towns picked the same dates to block traffic on Main Street. On the day of one of our most important parades, four other towns that we normally grace with our presence paraded at the same time.

Every parade has the beauty queens and kings. Yes, kings. Pageants are no longer just for the girls. And every queen has to be in the local parade. In the New Albany parade we met Miss, Mister, Little Miss, Little Mister, Junior Miss, Toddler, Baby, Teeny, and Itsy Bitsy Union County. NO JOKE! These were actual titles! Not to mention all the local school beauty review winners (male and female), and representatives of local dance studios! And every one has a crown! Now in most parades the queens are wearing the requisite formal gowns and high heels. If it is cold, like is has been around this area for the past few weeks, an expensive fur coat is of upmost importance. Hey, you gotta look fancy! The New Albany parade is a little different. I have never seen so many tiaras over camouflage EVER! That’s a look to go for! Mossy Oak and rhinestones! Nice!

We headed over to the metropolis of Mantachie for their parade on a Saturday afternoon. This is one of those no stop light back woods towns. Nice little town with a great place to get a chocolate shake! Every teenager with a four-wheeler decided that was the event for them. As we sat in front of the high school watching the parade go past us since we were important enough to escort Santa (while blasting Jeff Foxworthy’s “Twelve Days of Christmas”) I saw some interesting innovations. I never thought to install a car stereo in an old cooler and bungee it to the front rack of an ATV. Tres chic! One young man, who didn’t have a four-wheel, tractor, motorcycle, or horse, but REALLY wanted to be in the parade, decided to throw a bunch of tinsel on his old riding lawnmower and cruise the mile and a half stretch of highway.

The big parade, of course, is the Tupelo parade. Every politician and marching band from a three county area shows up. This is the one parade that the local TV stations actually show up for. A good friend of mine is the new community relations guy for the TV group in town so it is his job to get the news anchors to these public events. He borrowed a convertible and loaded up some of the news crew to wave to the adoring crowd. Half-way through the parade, he pulled over in front a store owned by some other friends of ours, GOT OUT of the car, and borrowed the facilities! Dude stopped the parade to go pee! Seriously! This parade is televised live on local cable and the dork makes the big time news guys sit in the car and wait while he recycles his diet coke! The biggest problem I have with this is we were WAAAAy in front and did not hear about this until late in the afternoon! Kelli and I tried to call him, but he has yet to return our calls. I don’t know why. He should be used to us making fun of him on the air by now. We’ve been doing it for years!

You know, maybe these parades aren’t so bad after all.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Kissing a Toad

Hannah finally had her first date!

Some may remember that I posted on EJ/JQ's bulletin board about some senior at her high school that had told her that she was gorgeous and asked her out over a month ago. The date never happened. To protect the name of the guilty, we'll call him "C" for this post. C had to work that night, and the date just never seemed to happen. They did meet up at a party at my sister's house (don't ask, long story!), and he gave Hannah her first kiss. Too bad for Hannah that Kristen walked into the kitchen during C's delivery and signaled everyone to the fact with her loud, "Ewwww! Get a room!" Yeah, cousinly love. Brotherly love is not a lot better. It had taken C and Hannah a while to sneak away from Colin, who had been shadowing them like a hawk. LOL! You can still ask Colin, "Do you like C?" His reply is always a definite, "No!"

After the kiss and the scare of Mono (yes, Hannah would receive her first kiss from someone who was diagnosed with Mono a week later *insert rolling eyes*), C led Hannah down the "I don't have time to date-I have a lot on my plate right now" path, which caused her friends, family, and especially me to dislike C with a passion, to the point of dislike, that I have been extremely creative with my name calling. *g* C has ceased being called by his given name. The first was before the so-called, wound up never happening date. When my sister showed me a picture of C on facebook, I could not help but call him Elder C. What's up with all the guys growing Amish beards? Don't get me wrong. The Amish have their share of cute guys, too, but their beards are their tradition/trend. It seems as if all the guys around here are growing beards without mustaches. C sporting one became fair game in my mind, and thus Elder C.

After meeting him at my sister's bonfire and being a reluctant witness to the kiss, C earned his second nickname of his real name being said to sound like Gaston's name. He likes to hunt. I don't. Deer and bunnies are cute. Leave them alone. So, I couldn't seem to help myself when Hannah, Kristen, Susie, and I were watching Beauty and the Beast during Susie's Disney movie marathon, and I started singing, "No one shoots like C'on..." C needed to rhyme with Gaston, and C'on worked well. The name change in the song stuck. You know that you've succeeded in irritating your teenage daughter when her five-year-old brother can be heard singing from his bath, "No one shoots like C'on..." Plus, Kristen and Susie walking around the halls of the school humming the tune. ;-)

Since the song, C and Hannah have been flirting in their biology class to the extent of their classmates thinking that they are dating and their teacher, who is also a coach, announcing that he's been inspired to write a young adult romance novel. From what I'm hearing, it's as if C is staking his claim. What a Neanderthal! During all the flirting, Hannah still pined for C and wondered what was wrong with her, with him, and all the other unanswerable questions of a first crush. C did earn another nickname during the month and a half of flirting. He did something extremely embarrassing in class. Something that I will be gracious enough not to name, but I will tell you I bestowed his additional nickname of the P.F.'er, which Susie believes to be the best nickname so far. Susie is so enthusiastic about the nickname P.F.'er that she chants it whenever she meets C in the hall and giggles aloud when he gives her a questioning look.

As stated, Hannah and C had been flirting on almost a daily basis since the Mono scare, and he even got up the nerve to text her, "I'm sorry for being an ass," once. But no request for a date, that is, until this past Thursday. After Hannah had led him on a merry chase of not seeming too interested anymore, making it appear as if she was flirting with Zach (another long story! poor Zach...he's my pick!), and making him think that she had met someone else while visiting her dad a couple of weekends ago, the P.F.'er came through with another request for a date. That's my girl. Make him crazy. ;-) Surprisingly, he followed through with his request, and Hannah went on her first date.

While Kristen, Susie, Bill, and I were at the movie theater, seeing Twilight, Hannah was suffering through introducing C to her Gram and Poppa. To Hannah's distress, my mother had threatened to give C the "Eunuch and the Nun" speech. LOL! Having been on the receiving end of that speech with whatever guy I was dating, I looked forward to someone else being the recipient. Unfortunately, it didn't happen. Hannah was saved that mortification, but my mother did expose her brilliant imagination. (Remember the picture on MySpace of the air-conditioner fastened to side of her Expedition? *g*) When my mother learned that C had been helping his grandfather weld something that afternoon, she said,"Oh! You can weld! I have something that needs to be welded. I have an exercise bike that needs a new seat welded on it, but I don't want a bicycle seat welded on it. I have a boat seat that I want welded on it. The regular seat hurts. I need something bigger and more comfortable." ROTFLMAO!!! Only MY MOTHER would come up with attaching a boat seat to an exercise bike! LOL! Hannah said that when mother started talking, she grinned and looked at the floor. C kept his cool and never laughed. Instead, he told her that he would take a look at it, and it would depend on the stability of the metal frame of the exercise bike. LMAO! Classic!

Well, Hannah and Wolverine had their long awaited date. He carried her to the Olive Garden and then to see the new James Bond movie. Hannah said that he smelled nice, and she never had to open a door. He was the perfect gentleman. I have to give credit to the guy. He is really sick. He had visited the doctor that day and received a shot. Apparently, he refuses to stay out of the woods during hunting season and cannot shake a cold. Thank God that it is no longer Mono! When Hannah learned that he was at the doctor's office the day of the date, she told him that since he was sick, they could postpone their date for another time. He refused, telling her that he KNEW that if their date didn't happen this time, then he would never have the chance to date her. (He's beginning to know Hannah's mood swings. Smart boy.) He told her that he would rather be sick and be with her, than not be with her at all. I haven't figured out if his reasoning is as romantic and he and Hannah believe it to be. LOL!

C told Hannah that maybe now that he carried Hannah on a date, then Kristen and Susie would quit giving him "go to hell" looks when they pass in the hall at school. LOL! Gotta love Kristen and Susie!

Since the date on Friday night, C has been in the bed where he needed to have been all along, but maybe he needs to suffer a little. You have no idea what I've endured this month and a half with Hannah "wondering" ALL THE DAMN TIME! (Been there, done that, know how it feels, not fun!) C has yet to receive the crown of approval. The verdict is still out for debate whether he will become a prince, meaning a respectful guy who should have the honor of dating my daughter, or remain a toad. I do believe that C likes Hannah, and everyone in this house and family KNOW that Hannah likes the P.F.'er. I'm happy for Hannah that C came through with their date. He says that he wants to go out again with her, but with his track record and the expense of the first date on a high school boy's wallet, I'm betting that their second date will happen after the first of the year, which is perfectly fine with me. Teenagers! They do entertain. ;-)

What about you? Want to share your first kiss or first date experience? Any experiences of waiting FOREVER to go on a date with a certain someone? Any advice? BTW...HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Sunday, August 24, 2008

A Girl's Dream...Hardly! ~ by Guest Blogger Kristen Pemberton

Hi everyone! My name is Kristen. You may remember me from my Aunt Misty's blog,"Another Casualty for the Romance Genre." I'm the genius who made Hannah succumb to the charms of Sabrina Jeffries' book, The Dangerous Lord and Beware a Scot's Revenge. (Hannah, I know your shaking your head at the genius remark. Stop because you know it's true.) Since I'm a huge fan of my Aunt's blogs, I asked her when she was going write her next one. She generously offered to let me write a guest blog, and what can I say? I accepted! In the beginning, I wasn't sure what to say about myself or my life for that matter. But once I started thinking, I realized I could tell a fourteen year old girl's point of view on starting high school, trying to find your real friends, and the enigma of the teenage boy's mind. So to begin this blog, we will have to go back to the middle of June. My first boyfriend.

What is a teenage girl's top priority after you hit the thirteen age mark? Well, for most it is boys. I am in the most category. Anyway this summer, my friend, Susie, came over to spend the night. The entire night we were on Facebook talking to guys, and playing around. While we were checking out some pictures, we noticed some of our friends had gotten into an arguement on there over a guy. We jumped in trying to joke about the fight to calm everyone down, needless to say we were told quickly to keep out of it. We decided it was best to let it go, and I commented that the fight over the guy was better than watching a movie. The boy, who would eventually be my ex-boyfriend, thought that was funny, and he started chatting with me. At the time, I had no inkling of a clue that he might be interested. Of course, I got my clue when he asked me to be his girlfriend. I still haven't quite figured out why I said yes because I didn't think he was all that cute, and I'd never really liked his attitude towards people. After I said yes, the only thing going through my head was,"What did I just do?" I became more comfortable with the idea after a while, and excited even. My friend, Susie, was just happy I finally decided to get a boyfriend. From this point, we will call my boyfriend, Chubby Cheeks. We exchanged numbers the day he asked me out which was the biggest mistake of my life. Two minutes after I gave him my number, Chubby Cheeks texted me nonstop until we broke up. It drove everyone in my family insane because my phone was ringing constantly. Sometimes I would actually cut my phone off, just to have a moment of silence.

Then not even twenty-two hours since we had been going out, he told me he loved me. I wanted to faint on the spot but not from joy or any lovey-dovey feeling. I think it was terror. Hannah was like, "Kristen, he's crazy." I told Chubby Cheeks I didn't feel that way and probably never would, and he said it was okay with him. Couple of days later, I invited him to come over to my gram's to watch a movie with me, Hannah, and Susie. He brought a movie with him, and for some reason Hannah and Susie left me alone with him for like five minutes. This subject is disturbingly gross to me now, but I kissed him. It was my first kiss, and it was like kissing a horse with its mouth wide open. He slobbered on me. Yuck! I wanted to gag afterwards, and I actually never want to kiss anyone ever again.

The next day, everybody found out what happen since I'm the world's worst liar. My gram was so mad at me because she specifically said,"Don't touch each other. Don't even hold hands." My mother gagged about me kissing a boy, my Aunt Misty laughed because I told her it was nothing like the romance novel kisses, and Hannah hugged me and said,"Poor Kristen." It was horrible. Gram decided she didn't like him, and in came the nickname "Chubby Cheeks." This is where Chubby Cheeks' story ends. I broke up with him a week later because I found out he had lied about a lot of stuff. Stuff he did while he hung out with his redneck buddies. Yes, he was a redneck. *gag* I was so dissapointed with my first experience with the opposite sex. My mother explained there would probably be a long line of dissapointments to come, and I completely believe her now. Thank God for J.R. Ward which was my antidote to the whole situation. Go Black Dagger Brotherhood!

Aside from Chubby Cheeks, I love High School so far. I'm in the Air Force Junior Reserve Officer Training Corps. I basically learn military bearing, how to march, and wear a uniform. It is awesome, and I would recommend it to anybody who can take orders well and handle themselves with self-discipline. Recently, I have been attending drill practice every Tuesday and Thursday from three to five o'clock. Let's see, last Thursday, this guy came to practice, whom we shall call, Adonis. Adonis moved here from Florida this year, and even my mom when she saw him was like WOW!*eyes pop out of head* Yeah, the whole package: six-pack, blonde hair, and blue eyes. *shudder* He's positively dreamy, and of course, I told my bestie, Susie this. Thursday, during practice, we were taking turns marching. Adonis, one of my guy buddies, some girl I don't know, and I were on the wall watching. Anyways, Adonis started pacing in front of me, and of course I'm trying not to drool. He wiped the sweat from his forehead which gave me a full view of his abs.*I'm drooling right now.* My guy friend said something to me, but it was a faint echo because I was so engrossed in what I was seeing. Of course, my friend repeated himself, and I turned away from Adonis to talk to my guy friend. Before I knew it, Adonis had walked up to me, and slightly punched me on the shoulder. It wasn't a we're buddies type punch, it was a flirty punch. Trust me, there's a difference. *Insert happy scream here* I just grinned, and turned back around to my guy friend. Adonis said,"Hey, do you like me?" I'm shaking my head furiously thinking how does he know. Then I remember...Susie! He replies,"Susie told me you did at Camp Freshman." Camp Freshman is a day where Freshmen go to the High School and walk around the school to get used to it. It is also where I first saw Adonis. I said,"I didn't say that. My friend, Crazy did." We're are calling one of my girl friends, Crazy, because that is how she is acting at the moment. He smiles *swoon* and says,"No, I think she was talking about you. So you don't like me?" Quickly I answer,"I didn't say that." He then ends the conversation by saying,"So you do." It was more of a statement than a question. I feel like an idiot. *frown*

That night I told Susie about everything. She told me it was that day she was going to tell him Crazy thought he was hot. But I had argued with her over it, while he was sitting in front of us, and he thought we were talking about me liking him. Then Susie reassured me that he doesn't like Crazy because he thinks she is weird. I tell Susie to find out Friday if he likes me or not. The next morning Susie walks into class, he mouths to her that he needs to talk to her. He gets up, gives her a hug, and asked if I'm single. ME!?!*another happy scream* He interrogates Susie for five minutes trying to determine whether I like him or not. He tells Susie that he is going to talk to me Monday! Susie told me that night, and I screamed at the computer. My mom was almost excited as I was. He is so hot and dreamy! My thoughts have pretty much revolved around him this past weekend. My dad threatened to lock me in my room if I even thought about going on a date. Then he said he was going to talk to him, if I did. I'm actually not worried about daddy more, I'm worried about my mom. Need I explain further. Haha! I guess I'll just have to wait until Monday! Keeping my fingers crossed!

Thank you, Kristen, for such a TERRIFIC blog. I love it! You had me cringing at some points and laughing at others.

Now for Kristen's readers. Do you remember your first kiss? Want to share? Was it everything that you hoped it be or was it purely pathetic? What about the dreamy guy in high school with the six-pack abs? How many of you are keeping your fingers crossed for Kristen? *g*

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Hell Hath No Fury Like A Woman On A Diet

Recently my stepdad came home and told my mother all about some co-worker who had lost 50 pounds on the low-carb diet. Mac thought that if that guy could eat low-carb and lose weight, then he could, too. My mother agreed to be a good wife and try the low-carb diet with Mac because it's difficult to diet and even more so if the people with whom you live aren't dieting as well.

Mother cleared every sweet, piece of bread, potato, and milk out of the house. The first day on the low-carb foods is tolerable. You think, "Man, this easy. I can eat all the fried foods I want, and I love salads. I can do this." But by day three or four, the withdrawals begin. The cravings for carbs hit full force. The cravings are so intense that you would eat a whole loaf of bread if given the chance. As my stepdad stated, "I never knew how much I liked bread until this diet." Even with the intense cravings, Mother and Mac remained true to their dieting, Mother making sure that Mac ate only the things he was supposed to eat by preparing all of his meals.

About two and a half weeks into the diet, Mac began bragging about the 13 pounds that he had already lost. To hear him tell it, he was practically wasting away to nothing. He needed to buy new clothes. Mother said that was all he would talk about, and he would ask her how much weight that she had lost. How dumb can a man be? Is there an epidemic of dumb males going around, or what? Everyone knows that inquiring about weight is not a good question to ask a woman, especially your wife. A man loses weight a lot quicker than a woman does. It sucks, but it's genetics.

After a few days of listening to Mac's gloating, my mother decided that she had had enough. While peeling apples at my mother's house, Mother confessed her irritation to me and my sister. She had decided that she was "going to fix his smart ass." As Tracy and I sat there, laughing and listening to her plans, I thought to myself, "Poor Mac hasn't a chance in hell." Hannibal could have used my mother's war tactics against Rome. She would have made those Romans quake in their sandals.

My mother intentionally sabotaged Mac's diet. Lucky for her that he's lazy and gullible. Without him having a clue, she replaced the low-carb milk in the low-carb container with whole milk. She gave him fruit to eat that she told him was low-carb and real Reese's peanut butter cups instead of the low-carb version. The low-carb ice cream was replaced with real ice cream, and the low-carb jelly was replaced with real jelly. Within a week Mac had gained 5 pounds back of the 13 he had lost, and he ceased to brag to Mother to her satisfaction.

Yes, my mother can be evil sometimes, but it's evil at its best. She's always coming up with fantastic ideas for paybacks. She never ceases to amaze me. I'm proud to be her daughter, and I hope to one day to aspire to her level of genius. Poor Bill. LOL!

Anyone else ever been on a diet with another person and that person rubbed it in your face that he/she was losing more rapidly than you? Or have you ever just grown fed-up with someone's bragging? Did you do anything about it?

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Revenge of the Skank-Ho

I’ve introduced my brother Stephen, a.k.a. Redneck Casanova, in a previous post, and he will be the subject of yet another blog from me. I can’t seem to help myself. He’s just too damn rich in material. Stephen is one those people in life that was never meant to be a marginal character. He takes center stage.

Stephen is a charmer. Where he acquired the charm, my sister and I haven’t a clue. We grew up with him in a house where there was only one bathroom. There were lots of times that my sister and I could have killed him. Charming is the not the adjective that I would use to describe Stephen. Lucky for him that some females are not picky. He can walk into a bank to make a deposit and walk away with the teller’s phone number written on his receipt. He meets women all the time in places where you would not think that a woman would enter. (The pictures with the deer antlers speak for themselves.)

As pointed out, Redneck Casanova can find a woman, but he never seems to keep her. Not that I’m saying that he should keep any of his victims. He’s only dated one person whom I would have gladly welcomed as my sister-in-law, but she was too logical and intelligent for him. His great loss. The rest are entertaining tidbits in my life, such as the Skank-Ho whose nickname shall be Butch.

Butch came to my attention last summer at my son Colin’s fourth birthday party. I had cleaned my house and invited the family to celebrate with us. Stephen showed up with a female that I wasn’t too sure was female. I had heard about Butch a few days before from my mother. At the time, Redneck Casanova was living at our mother’s house, and being unable to flee her own home, mother was introduced to numerous women in Stephen’s company. Not that he was permitted to bring a woman home for a night of debauched sex at his mother’s house. Mother would meet them the morning after when Stephen was dropped off after a night of debauched sex at the female’s house. One morning Mother walked outside to check on the dogs or something, and there was Stephen sitting in an unknown vehicle, kissing what looked to be another man. Mother immediately turned around and headed back into the house to wait on Stephen. After some time, he came in, and Mother proceeded to ask him why he had been kissing a man. LOL! I wish that I could have seen Stephen’s face. Stephen shit. He hurriedly informed Mother that he hadn’t been kissing a man, but a woman. Mother replied, “I know a woman when I see her, and THAT wasn’t a woman!” Stephen finally convinced Mother that Butch was indeed a woman, which brings us back to Colin’s birthday party.

There stood Stephen and Butch in my den, looking like Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum, in their mirroring attire. When I questioned Stephen later about their clothing choice, he looked embarrassed and said, “I had no clue that she was going to wear that.” Both were wearing boots, jeans, belts, navy blue and white striped polo’s, and baseball caps. No kidding. I have a picture. Now what type of sister would I be to ever allow my brother to leave without a shot to preserve his humiliation? But I haven’t figured out how to load the picture onto this blog page. As I told Ely in an e-mail, when Stephen and Butch stood side-by-side, you couldn’t tell where Stephen ended and Butch began. They were just one big stripey flow. (Is "stripey" a word?) When Stephen asked me later in the evening what I thought about Butch, what was I suppose to say?!? Lie to him. Never. Sometimes in life a sister has to be brutally honest with her dear brother, and I rose to the occasion, hysterically so.

Stephen wound up breaking Butch’s heart. Threw her battered manly-ish heart to the side with his other victims, but Butch wasn’t one to take rejection very well. She trained horses for a living, and she meant to train the Redneck Casanova, too. And she had a plan.

Stephen, being the idiot that he is, agreed to drive Butch and a group of “her girlie friends,” all of whom look and act like Butch, to Beale Street in Memphis for a fun night. I guess Stephen thought that he was really going to have a good time with just him and a group of women. How dumb can one man be? Where is his internal detection for warning signs? Wait that would take a brain. He was alone with Butch and her friends. Stephen said that he drove, and Butch rode in the back seat on the way to Memphis. During the drive, Butch kept thumping Stephen in the back of the head, which in turn pissed Stephen off. They argued, and he vowed to himself that he would not get back in a car with Butch, he would find another way home. His reasoning was that he had never been to Beale Street and not run into someone he knew. But Fate would decree otherwise.

Once on Beale Street, Stephen managed to separate himself from the Amazons, but Butch didn’t want to be separated. While Stephen was fleeing, she, being the predator mode, stalked him through the clubs. Stephen knew that she was hot on his tail because she had text messaged him the whole time, telling him that he would never get away and that she and her friends were going to take him back to her house and teach him how to treat a lady. The hunter had become the hunted.

Eventually, Butch snared her prey. Stephen’s shirt was almost ripped off him in the capture, and he was bullied into Butch’s car by the Amazon pack. At least Stephen was smart enough to be scared. He knew that he had to escape. They had to stop for gas, and the women decided to fill up the car at one of the truck stops on Hwy 78/Lamar and Winchester. While at the truck stop, Stephen managed to escape and hide himself in the maze of eighteen wheelers in the parking lot. I can just imagine Stephen running around idling eighteen wheelers, stopping periodically and squatting to look underneath the the sea of trailers for running legs. Crouching Redneck, Hidden Skank-Ho. Butch was furious. She had a plan, but she was unable to capture her prize again.

Stephen made it to the truck stop across the street and hid there until he was sure that Butch had given up. Then, he called another ex-girlfriend, waking her from sleep, and asked her to drive all the way to Memphis to get him, which she did. Is one woman's loss another woman's gain? Snag him while you can. What are these women thinking? *shaking head*

You would think that the Redneck Casanova learned his lesson, but remember that he’s not that smart. It’s been almost a year since Stephen’s escape transpired, and Mother told me a couple of days ago that she thought that Stephen had hooked-up with Butch again. What the hell? LOL! Is my brother stupid or what? I can’t wait to hear about what happens this time. That dumb ass.

What about you? Any family members who never seem to learn their lessons? Any friends who refused to see reason? Any experiences like the Redneck Casanova? What are the odds that this will lead to another revenge from the Skank-Ho?

*NOTE: My brother is not crazy. He's rather intelligent in many areas of life. He's just dumb when it comes to women, like a lot of men. I love him, and it's my hope that one day he will settle down with a wonderful woman for his happily-ever-after. Until then, he keeps me entertained.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Snake Charmer...NOT!

Have any of the rest of you noticed the high volume of snakes this summer? The warm weather began with Bill killing two small snakes in our yard. I told him to rake the leaves last fall, lazy man.

That slaughter was in April. Since then, my cousin, Tina, has been dealing with an invasion of snakes in her yard. She’s lucky because Jake, her yellow Labrador, and his sidekick Black Betty, a canine of unknown origins, enjoy killing any snake that wonders into Tina’s yard. Black Betty finds the snakes, and Jake kills them. Unfortunately, Jake spent a few days in the vet’s hospital from a lethal dose of snake venom a few weeks ago. He survived and is back to his favorite pastime of dispelling all snakes around his home.

Besides snakes in yards, I’ve seen snakes streaking across simmering asphalt several times in the past month. Two weeks ago on a week night, Hannah and I driving through the neighborhood on our way to Books-A-Million for a caramel macchiato witnessed just two houses down from my house, a snake slither out of the brush in front of my vehicle. I screamed, and my legs flew up in the air, well, as much as the steering wheel would allow. I know. I was in the safety of my Explorer so why throw my legs up? Beats me. It’s just a natural reaction for me. Bill and Hannah have tried to rationalize with me about the absurdity of my reflex to snakes outside the vehicle, but my brain refuses to compute. This past Friday, I was driving through the local back roads to a job interview at a county school, and a snake swirled across the road into the heated knee length grass on the side of the road. Yes, my legs went air born again.

Seeing snakes on the roads cannot compete with what I witnessed this past Thursday. Tina, Chrissy, Maw, Stuart, Mary Eden, and Grant met me, my mother, and Colin at my mom’s house to follow us to my sister’s house to go swimming in her pool. (Poor Tracy was miserably sweating it out camping in Grenada, and we were relaxing in her pool. *g*) After we returned to mother’s house, Maw, my grandmother, wanted to gather some vegetables from two small gardens that my mother and stepdad have planted in their yard. My mother went to the lower garden, and my grandmother went to the garden beside the driveway.

The garden that Maw decided to visit has a small shed beside it. Unbeknownst to Maw, lurking in the small structure, was a very big, ugly, and nasty snake, which had staked a claim to the small shelter because of its appetite for mice. Stuart was the first to spot the snake, and Maw, being the country girl that she is, grabbed a hoe and began to do battle. Now, Maw is 77 years-old, but in that aged body beats the heart of a warrior. (Cue Xena battle cry.) Her sight is not as well as it used to be. However, her hearing is just fine to Hannah and Kristen’s amazement. As they say, you can’t cuss around Maw! But I digress. Sorry. Now, back the story.

Maw with her chosen weapon commenced to whack at not the snake, but at a green painted chain that was curled up next to the snake. She walked all over that snake as she pounded the chain, and she was miraculously never bitten. The snake, being the smart type, that of slithering for its life, was trying to get the hell out of there, but Maw realized that she was taking whacks at the wrong thing. She began striking blows at the snake, and the snake, knowing that retreat was futile, began fighting back. The rest of us, except for my mother who was not witnessing this battle, were frozen in mute horror watching the matriarch of our family do ferocious battle with this venomous enemy. Too bad the damn hoe was blunt and not sharpened. Poor Maw was just beating the hell out the snake instead of cutting off its head. And the snake was rising up in the air to a striking poise and exposing its fangs and tongue as Maw leaned in for each whack. If she didn't chop off its head, then at least it would be one brain damaged snake. Later on, Maw claimed that she believed that she knocked the snake out a few times, but the snake refused to stay down. Maw said that the more that it would hiss at her, the more she thought, “I’m going to kill you.”

During the fight, Tina, being the seasoned snake killer that she is, realized that Maw needed a sharper hoe. None of us volunteered to take Maw’s place. I’m not that brave. We knew that the blunt hoe would never end the struggle, and gladiator-hearted Maw was tiring. Somehow, Tina saw another hoe on the carport and yelled for me get it. We got the sharper hoe into Maw’s deadly hands, and the snake’s head was lopped off. Upon investigation, the snake was discovered to be at least several feet long and almost as big around as a 16 ounce Coke bottle. Also, the triangular head identified it as poisonous and the markings on its skin revealed it to be a Cotton Mouth, or Water Moccasin, a very deadly breed of snake that inhabits the south. *shudder*

On discovering what had transpired while she had been in the lower garden, my mother scrambled into her house and refused to go outside again. I’m scared of snakes, but my mother is terrified of snakes. I’ve seen her kill a huge Weeping Willow tree as a repercussion of shooting at a snake. I missed that tree. It was great for playing Tarzan. Even with this recent snake killing by Maw, my mother wanted to know why nobody had yelled down to the garden for her to get her gun, a 30.06 (thirty-ought-six), and scope the blasted thing. She would have blown away the small shed and anything else in the vicinity, too. Poor Mother is afraid of other snakes lurking in her yard, and she is threatening to buy a pig. Supposedly pigs kill and eat snakes. When I asked her how she was going to keep the pig in her yard and out of the road, she said that it would be easy. She has an underground wire system running around her yard to keep her Schnauzers from getting into the road. The wire has a small electrical current running to it, and the dogs wear collars that shock them when they get too close to the underground wire. My mother said that she would buy another collar for the pig. My mother and her ideas! A pig running around with a dog-shock-collar on! LOL!

It’s Sunday, and no pig has appeared at my mother’s house. But I’m not ruling out the possibility of a pig showing up in the future, especially if another snake is spotted in or near her yard. She lives within the city limits, and I highly doubt if the city would turn a blind eye to her pig or the smell.

What about you? Any snake problems, stories, or remedies to get rid of snakes? If I can keep my mom from a pig, lots of people will be grateful. I've heard that moth balls work, but then again, I've heard that they don't. I'm sick of snakes. I hate snakes, and everyone is predicting that snakes will be out in droves this year because we had such a mild winter. I guess I could always dig up my roots and move the family to Ireland. Now, that doesn't sound too bad. :-)