Thursday, June 26, 2008

Revenge of the Skank-Ho

I’ve introduced my brother Stephen, a.k.a. Redneck Casanova, in a previous post, and he will be the subject of yet another blog from me. I can’t seem to help myself. He’s just too damn rich in material. Stephen is one those people in life that was never meant to be a marginal character. He takes center stage.

Stephen is a charmer. Where he acquired the charm, my sister and I haven’t a clue. We grew up with him in a house where there was only one bathroom. There were lots of times that my sister and I could have killed him. Charming is the not the adjective that I would use to describe Stephen. Lucky for him that some females are not picky. He can walk into a bank to make a deposit and walk away with the teller’s phone number written on his receipt. He meets women all the time in places where you would not think that a woman would enter. (The pictures with the deer antlers speak for themselves.)

As pointed out, Redneck Casanova can find a woman, but he never seems to keep her. Not that I’m saying that he should keep any of his victims. He’s only dated one person whom I would have gladly welcomed as my sister-in-law, but she was too logical and intelligent for him. His great loss. The rest are entertaining tidbits in my life, such as the Skank-Ho whose nickname shall be Butch.

Butch came to my attention last summer at my son Colin’s fourth birthday party. I had cleaned my house and invited the family to celebrate with us. Stephen showed up with a female that I wasn’t too sure was female. I had heard about Butch a few days before from my mother. At the time, Redneck Casanova was living at our mother’s house, and being unable to flee her own home, mother was introduced to numerous women in Stephen’s company. Not that he was permitted to bring a woman home for a night of debauched sex at his mother’s house. Mother would meet them the morning after when Stephen was dropped off after a night of debauched sex at the female’s house. One morning Mother walked outside to check on the dogs or something, and there was Stephen sitting in an unknown vehicle, kissing what looked to be another man. Mother immediately turned around and headed back into the house to wait on Stephen. After some time, he came in, and Mother proceeded to ask him why he had been kissing a man. LOL! I wish that I could have seen Stephen’s face. Stephen shit. He hurriedly informed Mother that he hadn’t been kissing a man, but a woman. Mother replied, “I know a woman when I see her, and THAT wasn’t a woman!” Stephen finally convinced Mother that Butch was indeed a woman, which brings us back to Colin’s birthday party.

There stood Stephen and Butch in my den, looking like Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum, in their mirroring attire. When I questioned Stephen later about their clothing choice, he looked embarrassed and said, “I had no clue that she was going to wear that.” Both were wearing boots, jeans, belts, navy blue and white striped polo’s, and baseball caps. No kidding. I have a picture. Now what type of sister would I be to ever allow my brother to leave without a shot to preserve his humiliation? But I haven’t figured out how to load the picture onto this blog page. As I told Ely in an e-mail, when Stephen and Butch stood side-by-side, you couldn’t tell where Stephen ended and Butch began. They were just one big stripey flow. (Is "stripey" a word?) When Stephen asked me later in the evening what I thought about Butch, what was I suppose to say?!? Lie to him. Never. Sometimes in life a sister has to be brutally honest with her dear brother, and I rose to the occasion, hysterically so.

Stephen wound up breaking Butch’s heart. Threw her battered manly-ish heart to the side with his other victims, but Butch wasn’t one to take rejection very well. She trained horses for a living, and she meant to train the Redneck Casanova, too. And she had a plan.

Stephen, being the idiot that he is, agreed to drive Butch and a group of “her girlie friends,” all of whom look and act like Butch, to Beale Street in Memphis for a fun night. I guess Stephen thought that he was really going to have a good time with just him and a group of women. How dumb can one man be? Where is his internal detection for warning signs? Wait that would take a brain. He was alone with Butch and her friends. Stephen said that he drove, and Butch rode in the back seat on the way to Memphis. During the drive, Butch kept thumping Stephen in the back of the head, which in turn pissed Stephen off. They argued, and he vowed to himself that he would not get back in a car with Butch, he would find another way home. His reasoning was that he had never been to Beale Street and not run into someone he knew. But Fate would decree otherwise.

Once on Beale Street, Stephen managed to separate himself from the Amazons, but Butch didn’t want to be separated. While Stephen was fleeing, she, being the predator mode, stalked him through the clubs. Stephen knew that she was hot on his tail because she had text messaged him the whole time, telling him that he would never get away and that she and her friends were going to take him back to her house and teach him how to treat a lady. The hunter had become the hunted.

Eventually, Butch snared her prey. Stephen’s shirt was almost ripped off him in the capture, and he was bullied into Butch’s car by the Amazon pack. At least Stephen was smart enough to be scared. He knew that he had to escape. They had to stop for gas, and the women decided to fill up the car at one of the truck stops on Hwy 78/Lamar and Winchester. While at the truck stop, Stephen managed to escape and hide himself in the maze of eighteen wheelers in the parking lot. I can just imagine Stephen running around idling eighteen wheelers, stopping periodically and squatting to look underneath the the sea of trailers for running legs. Crouching Redneck, Hidden Skank-Ho. Butch was furious. She had a plan, but she was unable to capture her prize again.

Stephen made it to the truck stop across the street and hid there until he was sure that Butch had given up. Then, he called another ex-girlfriend, waking her from sleep, and asked her to drive all the way to Memphis to get him, which she did. Is one woman's loss another woman's gain? Snag him while you can. What are these women thinking? *shaking head*

You would think that the Redneck Casanova learned his lesson, but remember that he’s not that smart. It’s been almost a year since Stephen’s escape transpired, and Mother told me a couple of days ago that she thought that Stephen had hooked-up with Butch again. What the hell? LOL! Is my brother stupid or what? I can’t wait to hear about what happens this time. That dumb ass.

What about you? Any family members who never seem to learn their lessons? Any friends who refused to see reason? Any experiences like the Redneck Casanova? What are the odds that this will lead to another revenge from the Skank-Ho?

*NOTE: My brother is not crazy. He's rather intelligent in many areas of life. He's just dumb when it comes to women, like a lot of men. I love him, and it's my hope that one day he will settle down with a wonderful woman for his happily-ever-after. Until then, he keeps me entertained.

23 comments:

Anonymous said...

She scared ME when he brought her to the house! They make a lovely couple, though. Maybe he deserves her. Can you imagine the offspring???? Uh oh, I just threw up a little in my mouth!

MistyJo said...

Bill, since Stephen and I share from a gene pool, I will choose to believe that the vomit in your mouth has arisen from the thought of Butch's donation to the offspring. :-P

Anonymous said...

Misty,

I love reading your posts. Your life seems so unreal sometimes.

And thank goodness I've never had an experience like your brother's been through, but you'd think he'd learn his lesson the first time around, wouldn't you?

Anonymous said...

I really hope that I am the exception you are talking about to the women Stephen has dated. Oh wait, I don't like to admit that I dated Stephen. Scratch that. I just threw up a little in my mouth too.

Miss you guys.
Ashley

MistyJo said...

(((((Diana))))) Good to "see" ya. My life does seem unreal sometimes, but I never complain of a boring one. LOL! Sometimes I could use a little boring.


Ashley, you are without a doubt THE ONE! We miss you, too. LOL about the vomit!

Hellie Sinclair said...

*LOL* God, I love your stories. I have nothing that compares. I'm the one with the bad dating stories, but I don't repeat my dates.

Elyssa Papa said...

I'm laughing from this story. Poor Steve. He needs to stop dating Butch and go for a quality woman!

Oh, god, I'm just laughing at the descriptions alone.

MistyJo said...

Hellion, you don't repeat bad dates because you're a rational person. Dumb ass isn't.


Ely, I feel sorry for any sane woman who dates him because that poor soul will have to deal with the crazy ex-wife and the crazy ex-girlfriends.


Oh, it was brought to my attention by my mother that I forgot the last part of the story. For two days after the Beale Street incident, Stephen was constantly looking out random windows at my mother's house, telling her that if Butch drove up to call the cops immediately. That dumb ass. LOL!

Terri Osburn said...

I can't stop laughing at "crouching Redneck, Hidden Skank-Ho." ROFLMAO!!! This is priceless. The best part is, you couldn't make this crap up. LOL!

Goodness I have no stories to compare to this one. I have some female cousins who have made seriously bad man selections, but I'm not sure they've reached this level. There is the one whose husband beat her up to the point she finally stabbed him then fled two states away. When he finally found her, she took him back. Thankfully, due to my mother being adopted, this cousin and I DO NOT share DNA.

You have to keep us updated on this one. If he goes out with her again, he's passed stupid and gone right over to clinically insane.

MistyJo said...

Terri, I just don't "get" why abused women return to their abusers. My maternal grandfather was an abusive alcoholic. The stories that my grandmother, mother, and aunt tell are sad. At least your cousin stabbed the guy. Probably makes him think before he raises a hand to her. As for Stephen, he has been clinically insane for years. I wish you could see Butch! SCARY! Hey, I could give you internet directions if you're curious. LOL!

Terri Osburn said...

Misty - she shook him a while later and is now married to a guy that is hard to explain. Lets just say, he might look similar to Butch, but probably shorter. LOL!

And I'll pass on those directions. I'll stay up close to the Mason Dixon line if you don't mind. :)

MistyJo said...

LMAO!!! When I said "internet directions" I meant her MySpace page, and I don't blame you for wanting to remain close to the Mason Dixon line.

MistyJo said...

You would have to navigate through my MySpace page, then my brother's page, and last "Butch's" page. Some of the pictures were taken at the Boondocks and shows the Amazon pack. Hannah and Kristen discovered the pics the other night while surfing MySpace pages from Stephen's friends. These pics are indescribable. LOL!

Terri Osburn said...

Oh, duh me. LOL! That would be the safer way to go. Though I admit, I'm torn between fear and curiosity about those pics. How much scarring to my psyche is this going to do? LOL!

MistyJo said...

Well, Bill got to where he flinched every time he looked, and he has a strong stomach. LOL! You know you want to look. Check your e-mail. *g*

Terri Osburn said...

Oh. My. Gosh. LMAO!!! You've gotta love that it says "smokes & drinks" right above the words "proud parent". LOL!

Definitely flinch worthy material. And the pics from Boondocks are hysterical. Though I love the comment she put under one of her pics of Stephen. Too funny.

Have I mentioned how much I like it up here? LOL!

Janga said...

Misty, I think you are destined to be a screen writer. I suggested a sit com once before, but I think Stephen hiding among the big rigs from Butch and her posse is definitely big screen material.

My brother is dull in comparison. He hasn't done anything half as funny as Stephen's escapades since his college days when he tried to keep a drunk date from falling by grabbing her shiny blonde locks--only to leave her sprawled at his feet while he stared at the shiny blonde wig in his hand.

MistyJo said...

Janga, I remember the day that you told me that I could write for a sit com. It was when I posted my bad day on the BB. That poor state trooper. :-) I think that it would be really fun to write for a show. A big LOL about your brother's dating experience. I can just imagine the facial expressions on your brother's face as he stood there with a wig in his hand. LOL!

Unknown said...

Your post makes me jealous that I'm an only child and I can't dig up any crazy relatives. Oh, wait. My grandfather had a glass eye that he would drop in peoples' drinks at parties. Would he fit in at the Boondocks?

MistyJo said...

LOL! Maggie, that's disgusting but in a fun way. LOL! You need to put that in one of your books. Your grandfather sounds like he would have been a hoot to hang out with. Sorry that it's taken me so long to read your comment...I HATE my laptop is in the shop.

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Sunny Side said...

"Crouching Redneck, Hidden Skank-Ho"....I was literally Laughing Out Loud while reading this blog...poor Stephen...lol

Sueski54 said...

I thoroughly enjoyed your story about your brother and Butch.Iam still grinning.You have real talent!Definitely going to have to read more of your musings.